I know I don't do this often, but please...I pray for myself and I ask you to pray with me.

Hail, Holy Queen, Mother of Mercy, our life, our sweetness and our hope. To you do we cry, the poor banished children of Eve. To you do we send up our sighs, mourning and weeping in the valley of tears. Turn then, most gracious Advocate, thy eyes of mercy towards us, and after this our exile show us the Blessed Fruit if thy Womb, Jesus. O' clement, O' loving, O' sweet Virgin Mary. Pray for us O' Holy Mother of God so that we may be worthy of the promises of Christ.

So I am watching Army Wives and I came across a quote that I love.

"I want to put this behind us. I know it's not going to be easy but we're worth it. We're worth fighting for."

I don't want to run a marathon or flaunt a bikini in public. I don't want six pack abs either. I want to be healthy and cute but not "hot" as society sees it. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want thinner fingers and a more slender neck. I want my cheek and jaw bones to be more defined. I want my stomach to be a little flatter and my back not to have rolls. I want my thighs to be more toned.

I have a boyfriend who loves me. He supports me through whatever I decide to do. If I want to start a healthier eating pattern, he's up for it. He gives me encouragement and hates it when I cry about it or get too worked up over something. He tells me that instead of crying about it and being self conscious, I should do something about it. He tells me not to let things that people say get to me. I cannot help it. That is how I have been programmed over the past several years to think.

I took the first step in my weight loss and ordered a 10-day trial of Nutrisystem. I have been wanting to try this for a while and finally did it! I am going to try it for 10 days and if I decide that I like it after 5 days, I will have it put on auto-delivery.

I am also doing the whole "Mindset Makeover" part of Nutrisystem. This will teach me how to keep the weight off, even after I've completed Nutrisystem. There are three tips that will make this all worth while:

1. Prioritize: Make yourself a priority. If you take care of yourself first, mentally and physically, you'll be able to take care of the people who are important to you. This may mean saying "no" sometimes, but people will understand. You deserve to be good to yourself. You're worth it!

2. Practice: It's not enough to just talk about changing your eating and activity habits. That's why you'll get a new Skill Builder each week to help you practice doing it. "Skill power" not just willpower leads to effective weight control!

3. Patience: Losing weight is a process. Eating and activity habits develop over a lifetime, so don't expect to change them overnight. Take small steps, and remember that small changes are better than no changes at all. You'll experience victories and setbacks, and you can learn from both. If you have any problems, you can always talk to a Nutrisystem counselor.

The topics for each week are:

• Week 1: Getting Started
• Week 2: Internal vs. External Hunger
• Week 3: Working Out
• Week 4: Curbing Cravings
• Week 5: Risky Behaviors
• Week 6: Mind Over Matter
• Week 7: Eating Out, Eating Smart
• Week 8: More Movement
• Week 9: Dealing with Holidays & Occasions
• Week 10: Social Support
• Week 11: Nutrition for Life
• Week 12: Shopping Smarts
• Week 13: You're on Your Way

I hate it when I get hounded about my weight. I know I haven't been doing much about it the past week or so, but I am going to start doing better here soon. I was told by a family member that I look like I gain weight every time they see me. I wish they would drop the subject though. I've been feeling unmotivated and self conscious lately. I stress about it. Zach hates when I stress about it. He hates when I talk about myself in negative terms. But I can't help it. When family members say the things they say, I get self conscious. I turn to the negatives. I cry about it and he hates when I cry about it. I can't help but cry about it. I am crying right now just talking about it. I need to get back on the scale soon, but I am afraid to.

I am afraid to start new programs because I always seem to sabotage myself and fail. But I've got to learn to self motivate and do this myself. I need to do this for myself and for my future. Especially my future with Zach. But I can't just do it for him or to please my grandfather. It has to be all for me.

"Fireproof doesn't mean that a fire will never come, but that when it comes, you'll be able to withstand it."

Here are some quotes that I love

May you never steal, lie, or cheat, but if you must steal, then steal away my sorrows, and if you must lie, lie with me all the nights of my life, and if you must cheat, then please cheat death because I couldn't live a day without you. - Leap Year

"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds." - The Notebook

"So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day." - The Notebook

"Just when you think it can't get any worse, it can. And just when you think it can't get any better, it can." - At First Sight

"You're going to come across people in your life who will say all the right words at all the right times. But in the end, it's always their actions you should judge them by. It's actions, not words, that matter." - Nicholas Sparks

"I love you. I am who I am because of you....I will always be yours. " - The Notebook

"Sometimes you have to be apart from people you love, but that doesn't make you love them any less. Sometimes you love them more." - The Last Song

"The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected." -The Notebook

"The greater the love, the greater the tragedy when it's over." - Nights in Rodanthe

"There's this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger, and your whispers softly echo. It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me."

“Have you ever met someone that just made something fall into place inside you?”

Wow. I cannot believe that it has been almost a month since I have blogged. Things have been busy and crazy here, but I love a good challenge. Classes have re-started and I am re-taking my Exploring the 1960's class that I didn't do so well in two quarters ago. This is the only class I am taking this quarter and maybe next, I will take two classes again. But for now, I am working on getting ahead in my school work so I am not so overwhelmed. This is all I am going to write for the moment because I am babysitting, so I am going to go tend to small children and enjoy my morning with them.

I do not understand WHY someone cannot accept me how I am. He doesn't see how happy I am. I love my life right now. I have the most amazing boyfriend and my relationship with my mother is becoming better. Yes, I'm not doing my best in school but at least I am in school. I have friends that mean the world to me and even though my life is crazy, it is amazing.

I am not a guinea pig for over the counter or prescription diet medication. I am a human being!

A certain person in my life (if you know me, you'll know exactly who I am talking about) cannot accept that I am 22 years-old, 5'6" and 250 pounds. Big fucking deal - I know people older and younger than me who are shorter and taller than me and who are bigger and smaller than me! Life is ALWAYS going to be that way and I cannot beat myself up every single time I fucking gain weight. I will gain and lose weight my ENTIRE life...

Here is kind of how the whole fiasco happened - I went to his house to visit and I got asked about school. I should've known that it was going to start trouble, because it always does. Then I got asked about my boyfriend and some of his business - which I told him basics because the dirty details are none of his concern. In that conversation, I was shamed for leaving my mother alone so much. For his information, my mother is perfectly capable of taking care of herself. Well, after that bit of the conversation, I got the real reason why he was asking all the questions - I got asked about my weight. He always does this! He starts asking questions about my life - most of the questions are none of his damn business - then he comes in with criticism. He made a remark that whatever I have been doing for the past several months wasn't working anymore and that he thought I was gaining weight. You NEVER say this to someone who is insecure about their weight to begin with. Well that made me set my jaw so I wouldn't start crying. Then he started asking questions - the whole "why" shit - and told me that he wanted me to be thin so I could be happy and have a good life - ermm, excuse me...I am happy. I have a good life! - then that made me break down into tears and I told him I didn't know why it wasn't working and I didn't want to be what he wants me to be - which is "perfect". I went on to tell him that I didn't need him reminding me of my weight because I am reminded of it every single damn day. He came over to "console" me and told me that he'd be happy if I were the way I am for the rest of my life. What a fucking hypocrite! That made me cry harder. He told me I needed to pray to Jesus about my problem.

WHAT THE FUCK?! Like praying to Jesus about my weight is going to magically make it melt off. BAH! If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans.

I don't blog near enough. I know I need to write more because it helps me. I cannot write about a lot of the things that have been happening in my life over the past month. I cannot wait until I can write about them again because so many things are going right for me.

My life is coming back together. I have the love of my life back and I am so thankful for the past month. I am starting to catch up in school - I have been slacking when it comes to my homework. So, I've just been keeping busy with that and housework here lately. Just pray that things keep going this way.

I'm in love alright, with my crazy beautiful life.

This is a quote from one of Ke$ha's new songs called Crazy Beautiful Life. This is the truth because I am in love with my crazy beautiful life. Nothing is perfect in my life, but I would not trade it for anything. I have someone that I love and who loves me back. I have amazing friends. I have a wonderful and supportive family. I am on the path to a good career and hopefully I will be able to land a job in my chosen career field. I am blessed.

Yesterday, my friend Liz posted some things on my Facebook profile that truly made my day.

Don't give up, okay? I know you've been hurt, I know how it feels. Believe me, I do. But the feeling will pass. The tears will stop falling. Your heart will heal itself. I promise you it will, so hold on. Don't let go, don't lose hope because I promise you will find someone who will treat you right, the way he never did. Someone who will never leave you, the way he did. He'll be worth the wait, so hang in there because I love you and I want you to be happy.

You know what you want, you're just afraid to admit it because you're afraid of failing. Screw that. You know what you want, which is a hell of a lot more than most other people. So don't be afraid or ashamed. Just go on and get it.

Don't be sad. I mean, you can't help what happened. You can't help that it wasn't meant to be. You can't control his feelings, no matter how much you wish you could. I'd like to tell you that he'll come back for you and regret what he lost.. but that doesn't always happen. Be realistic, but be happy too. Just remember, that he left you so you could be with someone better.. he just doesn't know it :)

If someone breaks your heart, just punch them in the face. Oh sure, it seems obvious now, but you’d be amazed at how many people don’t think of it when it’s relevant. Seriously, just punch them in the face and go get some ice cream.

I am honestly blessed to have such amazing friends like Liz. She and I didn't meet under the best circumstances, but we've gotten through a few things together and I am glad to have her support with the things that I do.

I am getting over my bronchitis that I was diagnosed with last week. It doesn't hurt to breathe anymore but I am still sleeping on the couch. It seems like whenever I am sick, I sleep the best on my couch. I don't know why, but oh well. I am glad I have an amazingly comfortable couch.

I am finding more determination every day. My heart is starting to heal, I think. Last night I was having a lots of doubts. I was doubting myself and certain things in my life. I talked to a few friends about my fears and doubts, and they just really became amazing about it. They know that I am not perfect. They know that I am learning more about myself every day...especially since all of this stuff with him happened. I am beginning to figure out that I am stronger than I thought I was. I am handling things better now than I would have a few years ago...damn, even year before last. Thank goodness for my medication.

I have therapy this morning. A LOT has happened since my last therapy session. I mean, real therapy session. I think I should have double booked back to back sessions, but I didn't...so I hope I don't shove too much in a short time period because today I have a lot to talk about. A lot of things I haven't talked about with her before and some things I have shared with her.

I don't trust people because I am afraid of being judged. I have been in therapy since I was 13, I think (or maybe younger) and I haven't trusted a lot of my therapists - I have had 4 in total. Since I haven't trusted a lot of them, I haven't opened up to them. I just tell them what they want to hear so they will just leave me alone. But I am starting to trust the therapist I have now. She doesn't seem to judge me. I've been seeing her for almost 2 years and I have been opening up more to her than I have ever opened up to any of the other ones. She is about to learn a lot about me that a lot of people have never known and may not ever know.

So I am gaining my motivation and my determination back. Things are starting to get back to a semi normal.

I have bronchitis right now and it really really SUCKS. The nurse practitioner that I saw on Thursday gave me a steroid shot to clear up my head and it worked but now it is wearing off. I am hoping that my lungs are clearing up some. They feel like it, but I am still using my inhaler some.

So I am watching the "I Used To Be Fat" marathon on MTV and these people are AWESOME for losing so much weight in a short amount of time and it motivates me. Yes, I got back into CrossFit but I need to do more. I am currently reading Enter the Zone by Dr. Barry Sears, which is a diet program that is recommended with CrossFit. The program is 40% carb, 30% protein and 30% fat and I think I can do this, but I just have to keep all of my goals in mind.

I am tired of looking in the mirror and seeing what I see. I know I say this all the time, but I am gaining more determination than ever now. I know I am over half way into February - that is 51 days into 2011 and this year I want to become a better person. I will change my life. I want to be at 200 pounds by the time I turn 23. That means I have 281 days to lose 55 pounds. I can do it.

My feelings got severely hurt last night.

So I am in the new mindset that I don't just need to lose weight, I want to lose weight. The whole thing with him got me into this mindset.

I want to try Nutrisystem because I have heard such good things about it from my friend Noelle. She lost a bunch of weight on it and I like the idea that it is packaged and I don't really have to do a lot of prep work. I talked to my friends Shane and Bri about it and Shane said it sounds like a good idea and that I just need to make sure it was Zone proportioned. My doctors have recommended it to me, but I keep refusing it.

Well I finally got it in my mind that I want to try it, so I talked to my mom about it and told her I wanted to give it a try. She looked at me and laughed, telling me that I wouldn't be able to stick with it because I can't stick to anything.

Gee, thanks for the support. Now on to Plan B.

What is Plan B? Well Plan B is the Zone. I will rid this fucking house of anything and everything that is not healthy! MWHAHAHAHAHA. Fuck with my mindset, and I will fuck with the pantry. I will be going to Wal-Mart buying new plastic containers in smaller sizes so proportions can be done easily. This is so I can prepare a few days worth of food at a time. If anyone touches my Zone food, I will kill them.

::I refuse to say his name in my blog again, so I will blog and italicize "him" when I reference him::

Imagine you have just missed a bus. How would you feel? Frustrated... disappointed... stressed. But you would know that there would be another bus coming along at some point. The big question, though, is what will you do with the time you have before the next bus arrives? You may now feel like you've lost or missed out on something... a job, a relationship, an opportunity. But if you make the most of this time - between now and the next chance at whatever you feel you missed - you won't have missed anything.

I am on a sort of vacation, I guess you could say. I'm in Pensacola with friends and it is beautiful here even though it is cold. My friends Marc and Destiny are here with me. I kind of wish we had our own separate rooms so they had their privacy and I would be able to open the balcony door and have fresh, cold, salt air instead of just the damn air conditioner! Maybe next time...

I finally got my Droid to sync with my blog, but I had to set up my Google account on my phone up to where it can be an author on this blog. That is why it is named differently.

My mind is soo blah right now. I honestly can't think straight. I mean, I miss him but I don't give a flying fuck if he comes back or not. If he is happy where he is, that's fine. I will just find my new happy.

I just thought about this. I need to just drive. Jump in the car and drive with no destination intended. Don't plan for it. Just pack several outfits for different occasions and go somewhere. That would be SO freeing! The thing is, I'm a people person, so I'd probably go insane being alone. I don't think Mother or Grandfather would condone it either. Not for the fact that I am stressed beyond explanation and can't go a single fucking day without bursting into tears...but because I would be abandoning them and I would be by myself.

I need a job! Like yesterday, please and thank you. I hate not being able to do whatever I want whenever I want.

So I am going to Pensacola tonight with my best friend, Destiny to see her boyfriend, Marc. I think it may help me clear my head and get my thoughts straight again. This past I have been an emotional wreck. It seems like once I get going on a "good path", something with him is brought up. Now I don't mean by just talking to him. I mean one of them contacts me and brings up all the bullshit again. It's like they do not have lives or they are bored with theirs, which means they can pop into mine!

I am starting to get all of my shit straight for Tort Law, but now I need to get it straight for Arts & Humanities. I hate having two different classes on totally different subjects! I have to print out the entire book for Tort and that is the biggest pain in the ass (and wallet) I have ever had. I really hope that not all of my law classes are like that because I guarantee that I might not be buying 4 inch binders to organize everything for EVERY CLASS.

Well now it's time to get out of bed and off to Pensacola. Going out for coffee with Eric tonight to give Des and Marc some alone time in the room at the Navy Lodge. Aren't I the best?

I saw the Nurse Practitioner at my Gyn's office yesterday. If you are wondering what was discussed, it was weight loss options.

I asked her about the Adipex/Phentermine and she said that because I am on psychiatric medication, she needed a note from my therapist stating that I can take the medication. My therapist knows that I have taken Phentermine in the past and it has not effected me psychologically and that it actually did me some good, so she had no problem writing the letter for it.

She also gave me a diet plan to go by and I am planning on making meal plans. Here is the diet plan:

Days that I work out
1400 Total Calories
2 servings fruit
2 servings vegetables
3 serving starches
10 oz. lea meat
2 serving low fat dairy
31 g of fax MAX

Days that I don't work out
1200 Total Calories
2 servings fruit
2 servings vegetables
2 servings starches
9 oz lean meat
2 serving low fat dairy
27 g of fat MAX

If I start Phentermine (which I am going to call her office this afternoon to see if I can pick up my prescription), she wants to see me back in 2 weeks to check my blood pressure & my heart...blah blah blah. Then she wants to see me back once a month, until I stop the diet plan.

She asked me what my goal weight is and I told her around that for now, it is 200 lbs. I am currently at 255 lbs (YIKES), which means I have gained over 10 pounds since stopping CrossFit. She told me that she wants me to lose 10% of my weight, which is 25.5 pounds. She said she'd like to see me lose 30 pounds but that 55 pounds is an amazing goal and she knows that if I keep to my diet plan, I can do it. My ultimate goal is to be at 180 lbs, which is a number I haven't seen in a LONG time. I do not think I would look good under 180 lbs. I am tall for a girl - 5'6" - and I have hips and boobs with broader shoulders. Yup, the hour glass figure runs in my family. So I would like to have a little weight on me, but still look good.

Looking at my weight now vs. my weight last year, I am down 10 pounds from when I started this transition in May. I am also down a little under 60 pounds from when I was at USM. So, I know this is good progress. I want to be down 55 more pounds and then I will be completely happy with myself and be comfortable in my body.

I am glad that I am starting to figure out myself "post Zach". Now I have to help myself. I am trying to discover a "new me". Zach and I were going to work on losing weight together. He had a goal he wanted to be at and I had a goal I wanted to be at. Well I am continuing with the goals he and I set in January, even though he is not here with me anymore. Now I am thinking of losing 30 pounds by my birthday and that will put me at the weight I was back in 2008, which is where I loved being.

When Zach left, he "broke" me and now I am left picking up the pieces and putting myself back together. I am trying to find who I am again and make that woman a better one. I want to prove that I am strong and that I am independent.

I want to show people that I am confident. One positive thing Zach gave me was my confidence. He told me every day that I was beautiful...even on the days that I was wearing sweats, a t-shirt and no make up. I know he thought that up until the day he left and I am pretty sure he still thinks that, he just doesn't want to show it.

I feel that I can do this. I want to do this. I need to do this. I need to be myself. I look in the mirror and do not enjoy being in this body. I want to see a different body. My tag line on MFP is "Skinny girl in the WRONG body!" and that is true right now.

So I have been snoozing my alarm clock since 5:30 am. I got out of bed at 7:00 because I know I have things to do. It felt amazing to snooze an alarm clock, but it also brought back memories of Zach. We always snoozed the alarm clock when he was leaving for work. It was set for 5:15 am, but he always (and I mean ALWAYS) snoozed it until about 5:20 or 5:25 because he wanted that extra little bit of sleep. I always set my alarm for 5:00 so I could be awake just in case he didn't get up for the second alarm. Maybe I shouldn't set alarms and just go with the flow but the thing is, I wake up early anyway. I am set to Navy time for now. Go to sleep early - wake up early. Damn Navy.

Right now I am between bitter and who gives a flying fuck.

There are some lyrics to a song that inspire me right now.

Everyday is another step. When things get worse than they've ever been, you'll find the strength that you need within. To yourself you must be true, because it's the only thing you can do. So when it's tough just don't let go, because we're all stronger than we know.

I wish there were someway I could let him know how this has all affected me. How angry I have been. How close I have come to partial insanity. How much I miss him. How all of this is making me hate him in a sense.

Yes, I am starting to resent and hate him. I hate him for leaving. I hate him for leading me on. I hate him for breaking promises. To hate somebody, first you have to love them. I don't hate many people.

I despise her for being manipulative and treating him like garbage. I despise her because all she wants are his benefits. She does not love him.

I had also told him that my biggest fear (now that I was with him) was him leaving me for her and that I would be alone. He promised me that the only way he would leave was if I told him I didn't want him there. He told me that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and that he loved me too much to lose me. I also told him that another fear was that she would make him choose between me and the baby and he also said that he was not going to leave because he loved me. He said he could go to court for his child but that I was too important to him to lose. I am facing my biggest fear.

I supported every single damn decision he made...including the decision to leave. But even though I told him I understood, in my head, I didn't and I begged him not to go in the same breath. I wrote every feeling...every thought...everything on a legal pad. The night we had to go to the hospital, I let him read it. He sat there and cried for a little bit and told me he was so confused. We sat there and cried together in the parking lot of the hospital. We sat there and discussed the situation in the ER and also in the car. Then again when we got home. My emotions changed from supportive of his decision to begging him not to leave. I have NEVER begged a person not to leave me. When they make their mind up, I let them go. But my feelings for this man were feelings I have NEVER felt before. I loved him with my whole heart. I never had doubts about us. Yes, I got jealous of some things. Yes, I felt a little insecure at times. But that was only because I was terrified of the situation. But I never doubted me and him.

See why I am starting to hate him?

Our second month anniversary would have been on Valentine's Day. I am bitter about that. I hate Valentine's Day but now I hate it more. We had plans for that day. We were going to go to a nice restaurant - which meant we both had to dress up. I love to dress up. Then we were going to come home and cuddle on the couch with a glass of wine...which we did quite often and I miss that.

I miss being able to lay on the couch, with my head in his lap, while he played 360. I actually miss the sound of the damn thing. I never thought I would say that because I always got annoyed that I would go to bed alone and he'd be in the living room on that damn 360 and come to bed after I was already asleep! Sometimes, I'd bring my laptop in the living room and lay on the opposite end of the couch, with my feet in his lap. When he'd take a break, he'd rub my feet for me. I have NEVER had a guy do that, but he did.

We made hundreds of amazing memories. Too many to share in a single blog post. He was so kind and so caring. I miss that and I am afraid that I will never find that again. A part of me wants him to walk through my door again, but a part of me just wants to strangle him if he steps foot on my property.

I wonder if he reads this blog. He knows I have it. I told him I wouldn't "air our dirty laundry" but this helps me. My therapist encourages I keep a blog or a journal. This is my world...my domain...my rock. The only thing holding me together.

I felt the need to blog. I haven't blogged in a while and a lot has changed since then. I thought things were perfect, but it seems that I was wrong.

He and I broke up - he went back to his ex-wife. Yes, I am sad. Yes, I am angry. No, I do not understand why...even though I say I do. He made up his mind and decided that he needed to be with his daughter. He swore up and down that he would not go back to the pain and heartache that she caused him, but there he is. With her. Not talking to me anymore. He was my best friend for several months and my love for almost two months. It felt like we were together for so much longer, but looking back now it was only a month and a half.

I found a quote on my friend Natasha's Facebook that really describes how it feels to me:

"There's this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger, and your whispers softly echo. It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me."

When he left, he told me he still loved me and that he would always love me but he needed to be there and he had to do what he was doing. Honestly, I still love him...even though everyone says I shouldn't after everything he has put me through. You can't choose who you love. So I am putting this one into God's hands.

All of my friends are acting like I should forget about him. How can I? They won't let me say what I need to say without telling me I don't need him. How can I forget about somebody that I was thinking about spending the rest of my life with? Losing him is like losing a part of me. I told them that if he came back and asked me for a second chance that I would give it to him. They tell me I am insane. I, in turn, ask them that if they were me and he were their significant other, what would their thought be...they told me they would take him back. HYPOCRITES!

There are pieces of him everywhere. I found a sock this morning peaking out from under my bed. I left it there because I don't want to move it. His body wash (that he didn't take with him) is still in my bathroom and I don't plan on moving it because that is where he last put it. Pretty much all of his stuff is out of my bedroom...well out of my house. He came and got the last load of his things on Sunday...he knows he is welcome in this house anytime he pleases. His mail still comes here...just not as much as it did while he was here. I guess there are a few things - like the Navy Federal Accounts - that he did not change. I will keep them for him and find a way to get in touch with him to get them back to him.

I was reading a journal entry that I wrote last month...right after he left. I feel the need to share it. I am writing a journal in "letter form" - like I am writing one long ass letter to him. If we talk in the future, I will let him read it. I want him to know what I was thinking and how I was feeling on those days.

January 21, 2011

This morning, I watched you get dressed for work for the last time. I don’t know if you noticed, but I cried almost the entire time you were going through your morning routine. I have watched this routine of yours for almost an entire month. You scurried to the bathroom at 5:20, but this time it was from the couch instead of my bed, and I listened to the water run as you shaved and then watched you go to the closet to throw on your undershirt and change your boxers. Then you come out into my bedroom and jump into your pants, shoved your feet into your boots and put your blousing straps back on...then you gathered your things for work.

After you left for work, I started to pack your clothes. I took them out of the closet and piled them by your new cruise box and walked around them for hours. I started the washer with some of our clothes in them. As I sat there, folding your clothes and putting them into the box, I ran through things that have happened in the past month. I remember unpacking your clothes...you came into my house with a few pairs of jeans, a few jackets and a few shirts. You barely had anything. Everything else had either been thrown out or sold by her. Now, you are leaving with a cruise box FULL of clothes. All of this is things that were given to you to replace what had been taken.

I know we’ve decided to stay friends and I know you need to be where you are going.

God put you into my life for a reason...and put me into your life for a reason. I think that this reason is to show us that we are meant to change each others lives or that we are meant to be together and to show us how good we are together. I know you said that God spoke to your heart that you need to be with Kyla and I think God spoke to your heart to tell us that He has other plans for us right now. What we have had for the past almost two months is so good. We are so much alike and we understand each other. Like you said when we first started talking, we are the same person in two bodies.

January 22, 2011

So you know me, I am a hopeless romantic. I love Twilight. Well right now, I sympathize with Bella. I feel like this is becoming my own New Moon. I highly doubt that you have read New Moon, so here is the “long story, short” version...it is about losing true love. In the book, Bella has a birthday party that doesn't exactly turn out well (if you call vampires trying to eat her "not turning out well") and after the party, Edward becomes distant towards Bella and then finally decides to end their relationship to protect her. His abandonment is hard for Bella and her entire world falls apart. She becomes completely numb and just does her daily routine, isolating herself from everybody.

So, now, out of New Moon and back to reality

I know I can handle this, but it is so damn hard.

It hurts to breathe and all I want to do is sleep. It's like if I sleep, when I'll wake up and all of this will have been a horrible dream. That all I want this to be...a horrible dream. But when I do wake up, I look next to me and all that is there is empty bed. I look for you and then realize that you are gone. There are remnants of you here like the things that you left yesterday and the things that have been there for weeks. I hope that you will leave some things here permanently, like a sign that you will come back.

I miss you SO MUCH. I put my favorite picture of us on my shelf to remind me to stay strong for the both of us and that this will work out. I know that we both wish there were some other way for this to happen...a way that includes you not leaving me. I know that you told me that I am your heart and you still love me. I know you need to do this.

I wish this were easier...but I've just got to be strong and go through my daily routine, right? I am sure that is what you would want me to do.

It’s too easy to be myself with you. – Bella Swan

I’ll miss you. No matter how short a time you’re gone. – Alice Cullen

Look after my heart...I've left it with you. - Edward Cullen

Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. very dark, but there were stars- points of light and reason... And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything. - Edward Cullen

You are my life now. - Edward Cullen

January 23, 2011

I saw a quote that reminded me of you today...everything reminds me of you here lately.

“Have you ever met someone that just made something fall into place inside you?”

Yes. When I met you, I knew my life was going to change. When I saw you walking down the road of the trailer park, I knew my life was never going to be the same. I felt an instant connection the moment I looked at you.

I have written so much...not all of it I can share. Some of it shows how much anger I have. Some of it would worry my friends. Some of it worries me. I have gone through many phases of grief, but yet I am still staying strong because I know that is what I need to do.

"You will never know if you ever loved someone until you lose them because in that exact second that you know that you will never say “I love you” again, you will feel it. There will either be nothing, or it will be one of the greatest pains in your life. You wake up and its not the same...life that is."

This is one of the greatest pains in my life. I loved him. I still love him. But if you love somebody, you've got to let them go and if they come back, then it was meant to be.

This is enough for today...I am starting to get emotional just re-reading this making sure it is perfect. I may continue blogging, I may not. I haven't decided yet. But I am asking all of you one thing...just pray. Pray for me. Pray for him. I know I need it but I cannot do it for myself. I am having a hard time doing it...so I need your help.

I can honestly say that I am the happiest now that I have been in a long time. I have dear friends, an amazing boyfriend, and a supportive family. I am on a good path when it comes to school and hopefully I will be able to find a part-time job here in the coming months.

Next month, I will be starting back with CrossFit again and I can honestly say that I miss it. So many things have happened since I had to quit it in October and I am finally getting back in a routine. Zach has gone back to working full days as of today and I will have the days to myself (not that I'm complaining about him being home most of the day) so I am going to need something besides school to keep myself occupied. My friend Briana, whose boyfriend is the owner of the CrossFit gym I go to, is getting her certification in February and will become a full-time trainer during the day! YAY ^_^ so I will be able to start going during the day instead of at night. I haven't really been going since December/January because the class sizes have gotten so large that I was not enjoying it as much. I was kind of intimidated by some of the other people in the class because I didn't really know them all that well and was self conscious in front of them.

Things have been rocky the past two or three weeks and I swear I want to pull my hair out some days! Someone I thought was a friend is so insecure in her own relationship that she is putting thoughts into my head to possibly ruin my own, but I talked to Zach about all of the things she has been telling me and he assures me that he is not going anywhere. I am so glad about that because I don't want him to go anywhere.

Well I think I need to stop writing right now and get to working on my finals and possibly throw a load of clothes in the washer. I'd like to get some of the bedroom organized while Zach is gone to work as well. I think that will possibly be my sanity relief while I am working on my finals (which are due today).