Someday I'll Fly Away...

I saw the Nurse Practitioner at my Gyn's office yesterday. If you are wondering what was discussed, it was weight loss options.

I asked her about the Adipex/Phentermine and she said that because I am on psychiatric medication, she needed a note from my therapist stating that I can take the medication. My therapist knows that I have taken Phentermine in the past and it has not effected me psychologically and that it actually did me some good, so she had no problem writing the letter for it.

She also gave me a diet plan to go by and I am planning on making meal plans. Here is the diet plan:

Days that I work out
1400 Total Calories
2 servings fruit
2 servings vegetables
3 serving starches
10 oz. lea meat
2 serving low fat dairy
31 g of fax MAX

Days that I don't work out
1200 Total Calories
2 servings fruit
2 servings vegetables
2 servings starches
9 oz lean meat
2 serving low fat dairy
27 g of fat MAX

If I start Phentermine (which I am going to call her office this afternoon to see if I can pick up my prescription), she wants to see me back in 2 weeks to check my blood pressure & my heart...blah blah blah. Then she wants to see me back once a month, until I stop the diet plan.

She asked me what my goal weight is and I told her around that for now, it is 200 lbs. I am currently at 255 lbs (YIKES), which means I have gained over 10 pounds since stopping CrossFit. She told me that she wants me to lose 10% of my weight, which is 25.5 pounds. She said she'd like to see me lose 30 pounds but that 55 pounds is an amazing goal and she knows that if I keep to my diet plan, I can do it. My ultimate goal is to be at 180 lbs, which is a number I haven't seen in a LONG time. I do not think I would look good under 180 lbs. I am tall for a girl - 5'6" - and I have hips and boobs with broader shoulders. Yup, the hour glass figure runs in my family. So I would like to have a little weight on me, but still look good.

Looking at my weight now vs. my weight last year, I am down 10 pounds from when I started this transition in May. I am also down a little under 60 pounds from when I was at USM. So, I know this is good progress. I want to be down 55 more pounds and then I will be completely happy with myself and be comfortable in my body.

I am glad that I am starting to figure out myself "post Zach". Now I have to help myself. I am trying to discover a "new me". Zach and I were going to work on losing weight together. He had a goal he wanted to be at and I had a goal I wanted to be at. Well I am continuing with the goals he and I set in January, even though he is not here with me anymore. Now I am thinking of losing 30 pounds by my birthday and that will put me at the weight I was back in 2008, which is where I loved being.

When Zach left, he "broke" me and now I am left picking up the pieces and putting myself back together. I am trying to find who I am again and make that woman a better one. I want to prove that I am strong and that I am independent.

I want to show people that I am confident. One positive thing Zach gave me was my confidence. He told me every day that I was beautiful...even on the days that I was wearing sweats, a t-shirt and no make up. I know he thought that up until the day he left and I am pretty sure he still thinks that, he just doesn't want to show it.

I feel that I can do this. I want to do this. I need to do this. I need to be myself. I look in the mirror and do not enjoy being in this body. I want to see a different body. My tag line on MFP is "Skinny girl in the WRONG body!" and that is true right now.