Someday I'll Fly Away...

I felt the need to blog. I haven't blogged in a while and a lot has changed since then. I thought things were perfect, but it seems that I was wrong.

He and I broke up - he went back to his ex-wife. Yes, I am sad. Yes, I am angry. No, I do not understand why...even though I say I do. He made up his mind and decided that he needed to be with his daughter. He swore up and down that he would not go back to the pain and heartache that she caused him, but there he is. With her. Not talking to me anymore. He was my best friend for several months and my love for almost two months. It felt like we were together for so much longer, but looking back now it was only a month and a half.

I found a quote on my friend Natasha's Facebook that really describes how it feels to me:

"There's this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger, and your whispers softly echo. It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me."

When he left, he told me he still loved me and that he would always love me but he needed to be there and he had to do what he was doing. Honestly, I still love him...even though everyone says I shouldn't after everything he has put me through. You can't choose who you love. So I am putting this one into God's hands.

All of my friends are acting like I should forget about him. How can I? They won't let me say what I need to say without telling me I don't need him. How can I forget about somebody that I was thinking about spending the rest of my life with? Losing him is like losing a part of me. I told them that if he came back and asked me for a second chance that I would give it to him. They tell me I am insane. I, in turn, ask them that if they were me and he were their significant other, what would their thought be...they told me they would take him back. HYPOCRITES!

There are pieces of him everywhere. I found a sock this morning peaking out from under my bed. I left it there because I don't want to move it. His body wash (that he didn't take with him) is still in my bathroom and I don't plan on moving it because that is where he last put it. Pretty much all of his stuff is out of my bedroom...well out of my house. He came and got the last load of his things on Sunday...he knows he is welcome in this house anytime he pleases. His mail still comes here...just not as much as it did while he was here. I guess there are a few things - like the Navy Federal Accounts - that he did not change. I will keep them for him and find a way to get in touch with him to get them back to him.

I was reading a journal entry that I wrote last month...right after he left. I feel the need to share it. I am writing a journal in "letter form" - like I am writing one long ass letter to him. If we talk in the future, I will let him read it. I want him to know what I was thinking and how I was feeling on those days.

January 21, 2011

This morning, I watched you get dressed for work for the last time. I don’t know if you noticed, but I cried almost the entire time you were going through your morning routine. I have watched this routine of yours for almost an entire month. You scurried to the bathroom at 5:20, but this time it was from the couch instead of my bed, and I listened to the water run as you shaved and then watched you go to the closet to throw on your undershirt and change your boxers. Then you come out into my bedroom and jump into your pants, shoved your feet into your boots and put your blousing straps back on...then you gathered your things for work.

After you left for work, I started to pack your clothes. I took them out of the closet and piled them by your new cruise box and walked around them for hours. I started the washer with some of our clothes in them. As I sat there, folding your clothes and putting them into the box, I ran through things that have happened in the past month. I remember unpacking your clothes...you came into my house with a few pairs of jeans, a few jackets and a few shirts. You barely had anything. Everything else had either been thrown out or sold by her. Now, you are leaving with a cruise box FULL of clothes. All of this is things that were given to you to replace what had been taken.

I know we’ve decided to stay friends and I know you need to be where you are going.

God put you into my life for a reason...and put me into your life for a reason. I think that this reason is to show us that we are meant to change each others lives or that we are meant to be together and to show us how good we are together. I know you said that God spoke to your heart that you need to be with Kyla and I think God spoke to your heart to tell us that He has other plans for us right now. What we have had for the past almost two months is so good. We are so much alike and we understand each other. Like you said when we first started talking, we are the same person in two bodies.

January 22, 2011

So you know me, I am a hopeless romantic. I love Twilight. Well right now, I sympathize with Bella. I feel like this is becoming my own New Moon. I highly doubt that you have read New Moon, so here is the “long story, short” version...it is about losing true love. In the book, Bella has a birthday party that doesn't exactly turn out well (if you call vampires trying to eat her "not turning out well") and after the party, Edward becomes distant towards Bella and then finally decides to end their relationship to protect her. His abandonment is hard for Bella and her entire world falls apart. She becomes completely numb and just does her daily routine, isolating herself from everybody.

So, now, out of New Moon and back to reality

I know I can handle this, but it is so damn hard.

It hurts to breathe and all I want to do is sleep. It's like if I sleep, when I'll wake up and all of this will have been a horrible dream. That all I want this to be...a horrible dream. But when I do wake up, I look next to me and all that is there is empty bed. I look for you and then realize that you are gone. There are remnants of you here like the things that you left yesterday and the things that have been there for weeks. I hope that you will leave some things here permanently, like a sign that you will come back.

I miss you SO MUCH. I put my favorite picture of us on my shelf to remind me to stay strong for the both of us and that this will work out. I know that we both wish there were some other way for this to happen...a way that includes you not leaving me. I know that you told me that I am your heart and you still love me. I know you need to do this.

I wish this were easier...but I've just got to be strong and go through my daily routine, right? I am sure that is what you would want me to do.

It’s too easy to be myself with you. – Bella Swan

I’ll miss you. No matter how short a time you’re gone. – Alice Cullen

Look after my heart...I've left it with you. - Edward Cullen

Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. very dark, but there were stars- points of light and reason... And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything. - Edward Cullen

You are my life now. - Edward Cullen

January 23, 2011

I saw a quote that reminded me of you today...everything reminds me of you here lately.

“Have you ever met someone that just made something fall into place inside you?”

Yes. When I met you, I knew my life was going to change. When I saw you walking down the road of the trailer park, I knew my life was never going to be the same. I felt an instant connection the moment I looked at you.

I have written so much...not all of it I can share. Some of it shows how much anger I have. Some of it would worry my friends. Some of it worries me. I have gone through many phases of grief, but yet I am still staying strong because I know that is what I need to do.

"You will never know if you ever loved someone until you lose them because in that exact second that you know that you will never say “I love you” again, you will feel it. There will either be nothing, or it will be one of the greatest pains in your life. You wake up and its not the same...life that is."

This is one of the greatest pains in my life. I loved him. I still love him. But if you love somebody, you've got to let them go and if they come back, then it was meant to be.

This is enough for today...I am starting to get emotional just re-reading this making sure it is perfect. I may continue blogging, I may not. I haven't decided yet. But I am asking all of you one thing...just pray. Pray for me. Pray for him. I know I need it but I cannot do it for myself. I am having a hard time doing it...so I need your help.