Someday I'll Fly Away...

So I have been snoozing my alarm clock since 5:30 am. I got out of bed at 7:00 because I know I have things to do. It felt amazing to snooze an alarm clock, but it also brought back memories of Zach. We always snoozed the alarm clock when he was leaving for work. It was set for 5:15 am, but he always (and I mean ALWAYS) snoozed it until about 5:20 or 5:25 because he wanted that extra little bit of sleep. I always set my alarm for 5:00 so I could be awake just in case he didn't get up for the second alarm. Maybe I shouldn't set alarms and just go with the flow but the thing is, I wake up early anyway. I am set to Navy time for now. Go to sleep early - wake up early. Damn Navy.

Right now I am between bitter and who gives a flying fuck.

There are some lyrics to a song that inspire me right now.

Everyday is another step. When things get worse than they've ever been, you'll find the strength that you need within. To yourself you must be true, because it's the only thing you can do. So when it's tough just don't let go, because we're all stronger than we know.

I wish there were someway I could let him know how this has all affected me. How angry I have been. How close I have come to partial insanity. How much I miss him. How all of this is making me hate him in a sense.

Yes, I am starting to resent and hate him. I hate him for leaving. I hate him for leading me on. I hate him for breaking promises. To hate somebody, first you have to love them. I don't hate many people.

I despise her for being manipulative and treating him like garbage. I despise her because all she wants are his benefits. She does not love him.

I had also told him that my biggest fear (now that I was with him) was him leaving me for her and that I would be alone. He promised me that the only way he would leave was if I told him I didn't want him there. He told me that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and that he loved me too much to lose me. I also told him that another fear was that she would make him choose between me and the baby and he also said that he was not going to leave because he loved me. He said he could go to court for his child but that I was too important to him to lose. I am facing my biggest fear.

I supported every single damn decision he made...including the decision to leave. But even though I told him I understood, in my head, I didn't and I begged him not to go in the same breath. I wrote every feeling...every thought...everything on a legal pad. The night we had to go to the hospital, I let him read it. He sat there and cried for a little bit and told me he was so confused. We sat there and cried together in the parking lot of the hospital. We sat there and discussed the situation in the ER and also in the car. Then again when we got home. My emotions changed from supportive of his decision to begging him not to leave. I have NEVER begged a person not to leave me. When they make their mind up, I let them go. But my feelings for this man were feelings I have NEVER felt before. I loved him with my whole heart. I never had doubts about us. Yes, I got jealous of some things. Yes, I felt a little insecure at times. But that was only because I was terrified of the situation. But I never doubted me and him.

See why I am starting to hate him?

Our second month anniversary would have been on Valentine's Day. I am bitter about that. I hate Valentine's Day but now I hate it more. We had plans for that day. We were going to go to a nice restaurant - which meant we both had to dress up. I love to dress up. Then we were going to come home and cuddle on the couch with a glass of wine...which we did quite often and I miss that.

I miss being able to lay on the couch, with my head in his lap, while he played 360. I actually miss the sound of the damn thing. I never thought I would say that because I always got annoyed that I would go to bed alone and he'd be in the living room on that damn 360 and come to bed after I was already asleep! Sometimes, I'd bring my laptop in the living room and lay on the opposite end of the couch, with my feet in his lap. When he'd take a break, he'd rub my feet for me. I have NEVER had a guy do that, but he did.

We made hundreds of amazing memories. Too many to share in a single blog post. He was so kind and so caring. I miss that and I am afraid that I will never find that again. A part of me wants him to walk through my door again, but a part of me just wants to strangle him if he steps foot on my property.

I wonder if he reads this blog. He knows I have it. I told him I wouldn't "air our dirty laundry" but this helps me. My therapist encourages I keep a blog or a journal. This is my world...my domain...my rock. The only thing holding me together.